By Dr Pola Singh | Experience |
Perhaps the heaviest baggage we carry in life is the memory of old friendships that have turned sour. Often, we can’t even recall why the rift began. A harsh word, a careless gesture or a misunderstanding— small sparks that grew into a mountain of silence. And so, two people who were once inseparable drift apart, suffering quietly in their own corners, weighed down by pride and regret.
But there comes a moment, often in the later chapters of life, when one asks: Why am I still carrying this burden? Why am I holding on to a grudge whose origins I cannot even remember? The realisation dawns that this emotional baggage, if left unresolved, will be carried to the grave. And suddenly, the heart whispers: Lighten the load. Reach out. Make amends.
The Power of a Hug
I recall a dear friend, Gurmeet Kaur, who had long yearned to reconnect with her childhood companion, Amrit Kaur. For over a decade, they had not spoken. One day, Gurmeet learned that Amrit would be attending a function at the Gurdwara Sahib Petaling Jaya. Summoning her courage, she set aside her ego, prepared herself for the moment and approached Amrit with trepidation. Then, she embraced her tightly—a hug 10 or 15 years in the making.
At first, Amrit was startled. But the physical act of a hug transcends words. Gurmeet whispered, “I’m sorry. It’s not about who was right or wrong. What matters is our relationship.”
In that instant, the weight lifted. Gurmeet felt her stress and anxiety dissolve, and Amrit, too, softened. Amrit responded simply: “I’m also sorry.” With those words, the years of silence melted away. Today, they are once again the best of friends. Such is the wonder of a simple hug—the power of human connection restored.
The Turning Point
This truth applies to everyone—estranged siblings, old friends, even men who are often taught to hide their emotions. I recall my own experience with Mahen, a close friend with whom I shared countless Friday evenings at the Royal Selangor Club during our Hash Runs. For reasons I can no longer remember, we became bitter enemies. The silence stretched for years.
Then one evening, Mahen approached me at the club’s cocktail lounge. He hugged me tightly and said only, “Let’s make up.” That was the turning point. My emotional baggage lightened instantly. Today, Mahen and I are once again the best of friends, and my time at the club is filled with joy rather than the stress of avoidance. It took guts, yes—but the sweetness of reconciliation far outweighed the bitterness of pride.
Choosing Sincerity
Initiating connection requires remarkable courage and vulnerability. The first person to extend an olive branch demonstrates profound inner strength. It is not weakness to apologize—it is resilience. To say “I’m sorry” is to choose sincerity over ego, relationship over pride. It is a powerful act of bravery to break the silence and make the first move toward healing.
Two Important Caveats
To achieve this peace, we must navigate two hurdles:
- The Ego – Lowering one’s pride is never easy, especially if you still believe you were “in the right.” But reconciliation is not about winning an argument. It is about valuing the bond more than the dispute. Opening the door to communication is a sign of true resilience, not defeat.
- Cultural Sensitivity – In our diverse society, gestures of reconciliation must be mindful. A man hugging a woman may be misunderstood, but a respectful handshake, a sincere conversation, holding each other’s hands or a gentle smile can carry the same power. What matters is the authenticity of the gesture, not its form.
A Call to Lighten the Heart
Life is too short to carry grudges. Friendships, once frayed, can be mended with a single act of courage. A hug, a handshake, a heartfelt word—these are the threads that stitch broken bonds back together. The sweetness of reconciliation far outweighs the bitterness of estrangement.
So if you find yourself in the last quarter of life—or even earlier—ask yourself: Why am I carrying this baggage? Why not lighten my heart? Reach out. Make amends. Rediscover the joy of companionship. For in the end, it is not about who was right or wrong. It is about the relationship that counts.
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Dr Pola Singh, who retired as Maritime Institute of Malaysia director-general in 2011, is also the author of ‘Uphill — The Journey of a Sikh-Chinese Kampung Boy’
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