Anand Karaj: A marriage ceremony with a difference

By Paguman Singh | Sikhi |

BACKGROUND

Marriage as a social institution is found in all societies the world over. As society began to form social relationships, while living in communities, this institution took root and received acceptance. Researchers have historically traced the beginnings of marriage, and first records of such an event indicate it occurred in 2350 BC making it 4,373 years old. Marriage became a popular institution across ancient Hebrews, Greeks and Romans and Indians and remains so till the present date. There are many forms of marriage, the prevalent being monogamous. Another form is polygamy, defined as marriage between one person and two or more spouses simultaneously. It exists in two main forms: polygyny, where one man is married to several women, and polyandry, where one woman is married to several men. The practice of polygyny is witnessed and accepted in different societies, while polyandry is presently limited to some tribes in Nepal and China.

Societies informally established processes for the selection of a partner for the male or female. These ranged from family introductions to middlemen and other means available in the region. Social rules also prevented marriages amongst certain blood relationships, while in others it was encouraged and gave first rights of choice to some.  Examples of these is marriage of siblings is not allowed while in certain societies the mother’s brother has the first right to marry his niece. In general, widows were not allowed to remarry while the male dominated society allowed the marriage of widowers. Each accepted process and rule had its own reasoning and was generally accepted by all members of that social order. In recognition of the importance of the institution of marriage society also rejected any relationship outside marriage and considered it as taboo. Children born out of this relationship, unfortunately, through no fault of theirs, had to pay a high price and were usually shunned from society and badly treated.

As marriage forms the foundation of socially accepted behavior and the legitimate fabric of the next generation, the ceremony associated with it was infused will all the cultural richness and values treasured by the society. It remained simple, yet providing the feeling of happiness, family and friends togetherness, motivation, providing joy to the couple, family, and friends. All cultural ceremonies and dressings were used to make the occasion a memorable one. The occasion was also used to provide financial support to the newlyweds, which took the form of household goods as well as money. Exchanges of gifts within the family members of the couple symbolized the bonding of families to mutually safeguard their honor. Unfortunately, with a male dominated society a dowry system took root and has been a burden to the bride’s family in many societies, as well as bringing with it other social ills like female infanticide, ill treatment and burning of brides.      

Marriage in traditional terms is to last a life time and as such each anniversary achieved is celebrated carrying names indicating the strength of that relationship. The names given range progressively from the 5^th being Wood, 10th Tin, 15th Crystal, 20th China, 25th Silver, 30th Pearl, 35th Jade, 40th Ruby, 45th Sapphire, 50th Gold, 60th Diamond, and 70th Platinum. Parents of couples go to great lengths to ensure they match perfectly and in this endeavor seek the assistance of the priests and other soothsayers, who use the stars, calculate horoscopes, colors and other methods to determine the fit as well as the right time and place for the marriage. In present times, modern physiological and aptitude tests are used by online matchmaking agencies in addition to horoscopes to match the couple.

Marriage also creates responsibilities and right. Society then developed laws to govern the process of rights and dissolution of this relationship. This legally legitimizes these responsibilities and rights irrespective of the fact that a ceremony has taken place or a de facto relationship exists. This matter is mainly legal but takes into consideration the cultural and religious beliefs of the society and country.

Pre-existing social and cultural values of society were accepted by religion, which now provided the blessings of the Divine in the marriage sphere. A common saying “weddings are made in heaven”, “purbale sanjoog”, indicate that the couple had been preordained by the supreme power to live as man and wife. The religious matrimony process, however was usually a simple religious ceremony where a prayer was recited and the couple’s agreement sought to receive the divine right of living together. The process was usually in the religious institution of the religion and conducted by the clergy of the religion. The commitment to the relationship was by uttering the holy scriptures and giving personal consent. This is accepted as the norm for a religious marriage.

THE EQUALITY PRINCIPLE

Guru Nanak Sahib introduced a spiritual and social revolution which was continued by the nine Gurus based on Gurbani. The objective was to transform, change traditional faith-based living to an enlightened, realized, and intellectual based living. The foundation for the reformation was equality of humankind in all spheres of life. The master strategic planner, Guru Nanak Sahib, knew it would take many life times to achieve the ultimate goal of a just and equal society. Amongst his strategic initiatives was the establishment of the first training University for Gurmat in Kartarpur. Here, from 1531 to 1539 the training began but selection was based on meritocracy. History testifies that Bhai Lehna proved he had all the qualities. Guru ji had also manjis established with both male and female missionaries to head them. The strategic change process coupled with a well-designed training program for succession spearheaded the revolution leading to the rise of gender equality and consequently marriage and family responsibilities.       

The social structure reformation began within the marriage domain began when satti, the burning of a widow on the pyre of the deceased husband was not only opposed but disallowed by Guru Amar Das Ji. Guru ji went a step further, advocated for the remarriage of widows thus restoring their status in society and a right to a respected life. In encouraging simplicity and economic savings for marriage ceremonies, mass marriages were arranged and performed by Guru Amar Das.  The dowry system was next in line to be questioned and Guru Ram Das Ji redefined it and reject the idea of receiving physical gifts, deeming their acceptance as egotism.   

• ਹਰਿ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਮੇਰੇ ਬਾਬੁਲਾ ਹਰਿ ਦੇਵਹੁ ਦਾਨੁ ਮੈ ਦਾਜੋ ॥ ਹਰਿ ਕਪੜੋ ਹਰਿ ਸੋਭਾ ਦੇਵਹੁ ਜਿਤੁ ਸਵਰੈ ਮੇਰਾ ਕਾਜੋ ॥ ਹਰਿ ਹਰਿ ਭਗਤੀ ਕਾਜੁ ਸੁਹੇਲਾ ਗੁਰਿ ਸਤਿਗੁਰਿ ਦਾਨੁ ਦਿਵਾਇਆ ॥ ਖੰਡਿ ਵਰਭੰਡਿ ਹਰਿ ਸੋਭਾ ਹੋਈ ਇਹੁ ਦਾਨੁ ਨ ਰਲੈ ਰਲਾਇਆ ॥ ਹੋਰਿ ਮਨਮੁਖ ਦਾਜੁ ਜਿ ਰਖਿ ਦਿਖਾਲਹਿ ਸੁ ਕੂੜੁ ਅਹੰਕਾਰੁ ਕਚੁ ਪਾਜੋ ॥ ਹਰਿ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਮੇਰੇ ਬਾਬੁਲਾ ਹਰਿ ਦੇਵਹੁ ਦਾਨੁ ਮੈ ਦਾਜੋ ॥੪॥
• Har prabh mere Baabulaa Har devahu daan mai daajo …: O my father! Give me the Lord’s Naam (Gur-Giaan, Aatam-Giaan, Shabad-Giaan …) as my wedding gift / dowry. ……. Any other dowry, which the Manmukhs (self-willed …) place for show, is only false egotism, and a false display (of falsehood). O my father! Give me the Lord’s Naam (Gur-Giaan, Aatam-Giaan, Shabad-Giaan …) as my wedding gift / dowry. ||4|| (sggs 78).

The rejection of the dowry system places both the bride and groom on the socially equal platform. This also gives dignity to the bridegroom as it indicates his economic capability to manage a family and removes the negative view of being portrayed as an object that was purchased. Unfortunately, the dowry system has not been totally eliminated as it is still practiced amongst Sikhs, who consider it as a cultural tradition and practice.

The equality principle that is foundational to the social revolution of Guru Nanak Sahib is also compromised at the milini ceremony where only the bride’s side offers gifts to the bridegroom’s family and the good gesture is not reciprocated. If it is a milini, meaning introduction, then both sides should exchange gifts. The traditional milini was an exchange of turbans between only the male heads of the family signifying that we now brothers (paag vat bhra) and the honour of both families becomes their collective responsibility. This is the reason the father-in-law is called “dharma da pita” and mother-in-law “dharam di mata” with due respect being accorded to both. It is time to reconsider the practice of multiple milinis seen these days, the gold ornaments gifted under the guise of cultural and traditional ways.

Additionally, all of us have witnessed the bridegroom with his janj party walking into Darbar Sahib and later followed by the bride and her family. Have you ever wondered why both parties and families cannot walk in at the same time? In the sangat all are equal to the Guru then why this different approach and parade? It has been wonderful to watch, in rare cases, where both families walk in together led by the bride and groom. A sign of families working and agreeing to be bonded in love and care for the future support of the couple. Alas, some old taboos prevalent amongst some women, driven by ignorance, is that the mother should not watch the marriage of the son. How can this ever be justified, the mother who gave birth to the son and took care of all his needs be denied the moments of joy to see her son stepping into the reality of grist or familyhood. Gian or knowledge and changes in understanding has reduced this belief, and in Malaysia, it has been eradicated.

ISSUES RELATED TO ANAND KARAJ

Sikhs in general and their children had previously witnessed Anand Karaj, as going to a Gurdwara (not Guru Ghar) was a weekly Sunday or Friday rigidly followed discipline. Over the years there has been a steady decline in the younger generation attending Gurdwara programs. This decline has contributed to the lack of understanding of the routines followed in the Gurdwara especially those related to Anand Karaj.

There is also no pre-Anand Karaj program to prepare them both mentally and spiritually for their great day. It is also time to develop a course on Anand Karaj for the those intending to get married. Rather, all the energy and finances are utilized for attire, the gifts (clothes and jewelry) to be given to the relatives, wedding and reception cards, food arrangement, flower arrangements, music DJ, video operators, studio for wedding photo shoots to name a few, but hardly any for the religious aspects. “The Raja and Ratu Sehari” mainly focus on how to look their best, show joy and happiness, walk slowly counting each step, which pose would be great for the photo. No objection to these arrangements, however there needs to be a further step taken in the preparation.

It is suggested the couple read and understand the Bani (Panna 773/774 GGSJ), which would be read and sung during the Anand Karaj, for at least a month before the  date of the Anand Karaj and memorize the Laava da Paath. This will support the couple to focus on the Bani and read along while doing the pheras, around Guru Granth Sahib Ji.

Another point to note is that newly appointed granthis in Gurdwaras, especially Malaysia, are also not trained in conducting the Anand Karaj. They do not follow the provisions in the Sikh Rehat Maryada relating to Anand Karaj. Some granthis are from deras where the maryada is different or they are simply ragis performing the duties of a granthi. An important aspect of the Maryada is the sikhia or advice provided to the couple at the time of the Anand Karaj which is usually omitted or in some cases extended with irrelevant non-specific guidance.  

As Sikhs living outside Punjab now invite non-Sikh friends to witness their Anand Karaj a new dimension emerges.  These guests, not knowing the protocol of the Gurdwara and being in a sea of Sikhs, feel uncomfortable and lost. An additional issue arises where non-Sikh video operators and some Sikh ones, do not understand how respect is to be accorded to Guru Granth Sahib as well as the religious ceremonies during the Anand Karaj. Gurdwaras do not have proper guidelines prepared for these video operators with the dos and the don’ts. Many a times their actions are not acceptable by religious standards.

The two issues mentioned above can be resolved easily. A family member of the bride could be assigned the duty of caring for the non-Sikh guests. The appointed person should welcome, guide, and make them feel comfortable. A printed program of the processes that will take place during the Anand Karaj needs to be prepared and distributed to them and providing details of the ceremony being performed. In addition, guiding the guests about placing their footwear, information on the location of various facilities in the Gurdwara as well as providing a clean cloth to cover the head. Also guide them to a place in the Darbar Sahib where they can sit to participate in the Anand Karaj. As they have their own faith, to bow before Guru Granth Sahib is not necessary.

Regarding the video operators it is suggested that guidelines be prepared for video camera operators as well as assistants in charge of lighting. Paramount in these guidelines is how full respect is to be accorded to Guru Granth Sahib and the sangat. These guidelines must include appropriate dressing, proper behavior, compliance with instructions from the authorized committee member of the Gurdwara. There should be a Gurdwara committee member appointed, whose duty would be to supervise the video operator in the Darbar Sahib. Equipment for the video shooting in the Darbar Sahib should be setup in advance to prevent disturbance while kirtan is being sung, in respect for Gurbani. This is a matter that needs to be resolved collectively as Anand Karaj is a blissful spiritual ceremony and disruptions and distractions by the video operators needs to be managed. This applies to all video operators both Sikh and non-Sikh.

ANAND KARAJ THE SOCIAL AND SPIRITUAL FOUNDATION OF FAMILY

In Gursikhi, living the life of a householder is preferred rather than that of a yogi. Bhai Gurdas in his Vaars has stated that of all religions, ghrist or living as a householder is superior.

ਗਿਆਨਨ ਮੈ ਗਿਆਨੁ ਅਰੁ ਧਿਆਨਨ ਮੈ ਧਿਆਨ ਗੁਰ ਸਕਲ ਧਰਮ ਮੈ ਗ੍ਰਿਹਸਤੁ ਪ੍ਰਧਾਨ ਹੈ ॥੩੭੬॥ Just as the Knowledge imparted by the Guru is supreme of all knowledge, and concentration of mind on this Guru’s Knowledge is superb concentration, so is the family life ideal and superior of all the religions (i.e. all the religious ways of life). (Kabit Bhai Gurdas, 376).

There are no historical records of Sikh marriages except claims by some sites of the marriage of Guru Arjun Sahib being performed in a manner we know today. The Anand Karaj ceremony was reconstructed by the Singh Sabha Movement and incorporated into the Sikh Rehat Maryada in 1945. (Khokar, K.S. (2005.) Anand Marriage – Development and History. Global Sikh Studies.) 

Anand Karaj as outlined in the Sikh Rehat Maryada sets some conditions under which it can be performed. It states that an engagement ceremony is optional. Advice and guidance is given on how to determine the date of the Anand Karaj, free from astrology and chosen to be convenient to all parties. Advice given is to reject meaningless customs as well as those that are related to other faiths.

The actual ceremony as per Rehat Maryada requires the following: –

• A Diwan in the presence of Guru Granth Sahib Ji;
• Sangat or Ragis to do kirtan;
• Bride and Bridegroom to be seated in front of Guru Granth Sahib;
• With the approval of the sangat the Granthi with both parents of the bride and groom to do the Arambak Ardas.
• The couple to be given advice on responsibilities and living in accordance with Gurmat. Details of what is to be covered is provided, (need to be revisited and modified in accordance with social and economic changes that have occurred since 1925).
• The couple bow before Guru Granth Sahib Ji acknowledging the advice and committing to it.
• Reading followed by the singing of Bani on page 773 in Raag Suhi Mehala 4 as the couple circumambulate GGSJ.
• Reading of Anand Sahib (short version).
• Ardas of completion of the Anand Karaj.
• Shabads by Sangat or Ragis.

Aspects of the Anand Karaj that have escaped our attention and can be highlighted as advice: –

• The choice of a partner is the most important decision in a person’s life. Note that no one has chosen parents, or siblings, which relations were formed at birth in accordance with the Divine Will or Hukum. The one and only conscious choice made in the person’s life is whom one will marry; imagine its importance.
• The Hukumnama on the day of the Anand Karaj is the only one that is heard by any individual Sikh to guide married life. At birth the parents hear the hukumnama as the child cannot know what is going on and the final hukumnama is after death which cannot be heard. Hence, the couple needs to remember the hukumnama at their Anand Karaj, in fact print, laminate and hang it as a constant reminder of the moment of bliss in life, Blessings of Guru Ji.
• The advice/guidance or Sikhia that can be given is as follows:

Commitment: This is commitment to life of Ghrist in accordance with Guru Granth Sahib and removing any other believes. Also as a Commitment to each other in life.

The practice of Care and Honest Communication with each other. This communication requires virtues of humility, forgiveness, and polite loved filled conversation. Guidance from GGSJ Sloak Farid Ji 126 & 127 (Panna 1384) which applies to both bride and bridegroom:

ਕਵਣੁ ਸੁ ਅਖਰੁ ਕਵਣੁ ਗੁਣੁ ਕਵਣੁ ਸੁ ਮਣੀਆ ਮੰਤੁ ॥
Kavan S Akhar Kavan Gun Kavan S Maneeaa Manth ||
What is that word, what is that virtue, and what is that magic mantra?

ਕਵਣੁ ਸੁ ਵੇਸੋ ਹਉ ਕਰੀ ਜਿਤੁ ਵਸਿ ਆਵੈ ਕੰਤੁ ॥੧੨੬॥
Kavan S Vaeso Ho Karee Jith Vas Aavai Kanth ||126||
What are those clothes, which I can wear to captivate my Husband Lord? ||126||

nਵਣ ਸੁ ਅਖਰੁ ਖਵਣੁ ਗੁਣੁ ਜਿਹਬਾ ਮਣੀਆ ਮੰਤੁ ॥
Nivan S Akhar Khavan Gun Jihabaa Maneeaa Manth ||
Humility is the word, forgiveness is the virtue, and sweet speech is the magic mantra.

ਏ ਤ੍ਰੈ ਭੈਣੇ ਵੇਸ ਕਰਿ ਤਾਂ ਵਸਿ ਆਵੀ ਕੰਤੁ ॥੧੨੭॥
Eae Thrai Bhainae Vaes Kar Thaan Vas Aavee Kanth ||127||
Wear these three robes, O sister, and you will captivate your Husband Lord. ||127||

Creativity: Surprise your beloved with various romantic words and gifts never a dull moment in family life.

Conscious: Care is given when you are conscious of your partner’s moods, feelings, likes and dislikes. Showing concern for each other is the is the medicine for understanding.

Forgive and forget for a life of Ghrist it is the sweet memories that make life and family blossom.

MANAGING THE MAGIC OF ANAND KARAJ:

Thousands of dollars are spent on photographs and videos during the Anand Karaj, so sit together at least once in three months and watch them and rekindle the joy felt on the day of the Anand Karaj. This will help remove any emotional differences that could be developing.   

Each month have a quiet couple moment to read the Laava di Bani and feel the spirit of love and romance experienced on the day of the Anand Karaj. The foundation of family understanding is strengthened by reading the Laava da Paath. Anand Karaj Anniversary should be celebrated not only with dinner and other forms of entertainment but also with the Laava Da Paath done together. Bonds of a Happy Family Life.

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