By Amrit Kaur | Singapore |

Walking through a leafy park in Singapore last week, I noticed a child sitting alone, his face buried in a book while a younger sibling played more freely on a swing set. At first glance, nothing seemed amiss. Yet, the furrowed brows and the relentless flipping of a Primary 6 assessment book pages told a different story—a story of quiet stress, one many Singaporean children wear like a hidden badge in the years leading up to the Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE).

The PSLE, Singapore’s rite of passage into adolescence, is both a marker of academic achievement and, unfortunately, a crucible of anxiety for countless students. In recent years, there have been sobering reports of children struggling under immense pressure, some tragically succumbing to suicide and despair.   

These stories, are unfortunately, not rare, and have shaken us as a nation. They compel us to ask: what is the real cost of academic success, and how can we, as parents and guardians, balance ambition with emotional well-being?

The Weight of Expectations

For children, the pressure to succeed can feel overwhelming, especially when they internalize the idea that their worth is tied to their grades. This is exacerbated by Singapore’s competitive educational culture, which sometimes fosters a “survival of the fittest” mentality. In this race for excellence, some children may lose sight of their intrinsic value, leading to feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness.

While we all understand this from our own experience and the experience of family and friends, research confirms the detrimental effects of high stakes testing on young minds.

A 2022 study by Singaporean researchers in the journal Psychiatry found that children facing heightened academic pressure are more likely to exhibit signs of anxiety and depression, particularly when the pressure is compounded by parental expectations.  This is just one Singapore based study, but many others internationally support the same conclusion. This report by 15 Singapore-based psychologists outline the very learn challenges they see on the ground.

While the PSLE has long been a benchmark of academic prowess, anyone who has spent time overseas will know that its not normal or necessary to subject 12-year-olds to high stakes testing. It is a reflection of the culture and maybe even the neuroses of our particular society.

Although it is clearly not the intention of parents to rob a child of their self-worth or their time for growth, parents themselves may carry the scars of an overdemanding system. With rising inequality, the difference between the “haves” and the “have nots” is stark, and parents channel their own feelings of anxiety and inadequacy into ensuring their children have everything it takes to succeed.

I’m reminded here of a conversation I had with a neighbour last week. Sharon*(not her real name), 42, shared her struggles to balance achievement with empathy. “I want my child to be happy, but I also want them to not struggle financially like I did. A good education is all I can give,” she said, her voice tinged with uncertainty.

Striking the Balance: Advice for Parents

For parents, navigating this tightrope between caring for their child’s mental health and preparing for an uncertain future can be daunting. Here are some practical pieces of advice, drawn from psychological research and my observations:

1. Focus on Effort, Not Outcomes

Well established research by psychologist Dr Caroline Dweck and others emphasizes the importance of praising effort  (what a child can control), rather than results (what they can’t control). When parents celebrate their child’s hard work and persistence, rather than simply the grades they achieve, children are more likely to develop a growth mindset. This transfers the focus on effort and persistence to all future endeavours, and pays off in the long run, regardless of PSLE results.

2. Create a Safe Emotional Space

Children should feel comfortable discussing their fears and challenges without fear of judgment. As parents, it’s vital to listen actively and validate their emotions. Encourage your child to share their worries about PSLE and remind them that their feelings are valid, no matter how small they may seem. For how to do this, see my previous blog post “Talk so your teens will listen” .

3. Introduce Non-Academic Passions

Having hobbies and interests outside of school can help children maintain a balanced perspective. Whether it’s sports, music, or art, these activities provide an outlet for stress and remind children that there’s life beyond the classroom. If things fall apart academically, it serves as a reminder that they can be good at other things. So, if yours is the kid who is constantly doodling, let him doodle. Encourage his efforts at practicing his art, and be his champion. If nothing else, he’ll remember you as his biggest support, not his biggest source of anxiety.  

4. Model Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Children often mirror their parents’ behaviour. If you’re constantly anxious about their results, or critical of them, they’re likely to adopt similar stress responses.  If you’re doubtful, just see the number of such stories in our media.

Unfortunately, our worst inner critic is often modelled on the voice of our harshest parental figure. As a parent, commit to modelling calmness and positive self-talk, even during challenging times so your child does not develop their own harsh inner critic.

Try saying to them: “I was so stressed yesterday that I made a small mistake in my presentation at work yesterday. I really wanted it to be perfect. But I had to remind myself that all I can do is my best. I made myself stop working and go for a walk instead. I felt so much calmer after.”

If you find yourself overwhelmed and unable to manage your own anxieties, don’t hesitate to seek professional help for yourself for the sake of your family dynamic.

Rethinking our Academic Culture

As a society, we need to rethink our approach to education. Success should not come at the expense of mental health, and we need to stop thinking that success follows automatically from academic prowess.

Just look at the number of  academically “poor” students who were forced to do overseas degrees, who then excelled at work and at climbing the corporate ladder. Look also at the number of “foreign talent” who never did PSLE or had to go through the stress of our local school systems who head the local branches of so many MNCs.

Needless to say, we are stuck in an antiquated system that prides itself on kids being able to spout model answers and unlock the formulas to so-called “thinking questions”. In his e-book, Bobby Jayaram, provides a compelling story of how the Singapore system keeps us stuck in an outdated industrialist model of education : http://bit.ly/schoolingachildinSG

For those with money, private school is often the solution as this more easily permissible for Singaporeans past age 12. For the rest of us, my big source of hope is the good work being done by the people at Everychild.sg.

Their founder, Pooja Bandari, working hard at shifting the landscape for ordinary Singapore kids. She is mindful that our education models need to change because the world is changing.

Amongst the ideas she and Aarathi Arumugam (COO of EveryChild.sg) are pushing for is through-train education from Primary one to O-levels (removing the PSLE for most kids), and limiting class sizes to 20 so teachers can actually have meaningful relationships with students, that can foster both academic advancement and student wellbeing.

We haven’t quite seen the tidal wave of change that is necessary, but it is worth remembering in the mean time, that for all our best efforts, the future is assured to none. Our children’s’ worth is bigger than their grades. Remind them that they are loved, supported, and cherished as they are.

If you’re struggling to keep this point of view and are finding yourself swayed by your child’s exam pressure, please reach out. https://dramrit.org/contact

To learn more about calls for education reform in Singapore, please visiteverychild.sg  – They are doing such important work and deserve your support.

FOR MORE PARENTING RELATED CONTENT, CHECK OUT HER BLOG POSTS:
Talk so your teens will listen | The No Drama Mama | The Imaginary Audience | Catch them being Good

Amrit Kaur is a clinical psychologist in private practice, provides therapy to clients both in Singapore and abroad. She holds a PhD in Clinical Psychology and has been practicing since 2009 with adults, children and teenagers. Please get in touch with her at Dramrit.org

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