By Manjit Kaur | Opinion |
The family has long been recognized as the building block of human society. It provides emotional support, instils values, and ensures the continuation of cultural and social norms. There has been a long-held view that blood ties form a key natural basis for the family life. In this short piece, drawing from the changes I have experienced in my own family over the past 50 years, and observing society, around me, I explore how the family is changing.
Historically, strong family units were seen as key for maintaining stability. However, rapid social, cultural, and economic changes are leading to the collapse of the traditional family. Factors such as globalization, urbanization and technological advancements, especially social media, have altered how families interact and function. These changes have introduced new lifestyles and value systems that often conflict with traditional family roles and expectations. As a result, family bonds are weakening, and the traditional family model is breaking down.
The economy is one of the key factors behind the massive changes taking place. Increased work demands and the need for dual-income households have reduced the time families spend together, weakening familial bonds; everybody just seems to be too busy! Furthermore, financial difficulties have led to stress and conflict within families, sometimes resulting in separation or divorce.
Rapid cultural changes in the 20th century have resulted in shifting attitudes toward marriage and gender roles, further complicating the family dynamic. The emergence of alternative family structures, such as single-parent families, cohabitation without marriage, and same-sex partnerships, etc, reflects these shifts. While these changes can promote greater inclusivity and personal freedom, they also challenge the traditional attitudes, especially relisting to religious beliefs.
Although we tend to associate such developments with white Western norms, in truth, these changes are impacting all communities, including Sikhs. For example, reflecting on my own experience as a Panjabi Sikh woman born in the UK, though our community tends to live in a state of denial, I see the changes taking place all around me. It feels to me that what we are seeing today is nothing short of a transformation where blood relationships are perhaps less relevant than friendships that develop outside of the immediate family.
GENDER DISCRIMINATION & EDUCATION
One of the many factors is the empowerment of women, who are no longer willing to accept gender discrimination that restricted the choices they could have. In my parents’ time, the concept of individual choice was almost non-existent, and relationships were imposed. Life was not something that was planned like today but largely dictated by tradition and family expectations. The choice of a life partner, desires, and future ambitions were decisions made by parents or intermediaries, rather than individuals themselves.
The focus of traditional arranged marriages was less on the wishes and feelings of the potential couple and more on superficial qualities, such as social status, physical appearance, family reputation, and educational qualifications. In this system, strength and capability to manage family responsibilities were key considerations. The needs and wishes of parents and in-laws often overshadowed those of the couple, who rarely questioned these decisions.
However, due to migration and social change, second and third-generation parents have been forced to adapt to the changing times and new challenges. Today, our children grow up in different environments, influenced by different cultures and societies, such as those in England, the USA, or Canada. The contrast between Indian and Western cultures created a complex landscape full of tensions for both parents and children.
Education has always been a top priority for Punjabi families, and there is no doubt this has resulted in many children achieving good jobs, leading to significant shifts in thinking and lifestyle. Independence became more valued, and children naturally began making their own choices without consulting their parents. This shift is not about selfishness or cruelty; it’s a reflection of societal changes. This transformation is evident in both Punjabi communities in India and abroad. Surprisingly, even within India, particularly in big cities and small villages, people have become more advanced, often influenced by American culture and the film industry.
UNSTOPPABLE FORCES
Blaming individuals for these changes is wrong; technology, and societal advancements are unstoppable forces. This means the traditional Punjabi mindset of shielding children from outside influences is not possible. And rather than living in denial, which Panjabi families excel in, we need face reality and remove our blinkers. Some traditional minded parents still dream and plan for their children’s future, including expecting them to marry around in their early to mid-twenties. However, today’s young people are different expectations and priorities. They are much more individually minded, meaning career and friendships are more important than settling down, and marriage is often of secondary concern to them.
Marriage and divorce bring their own complexities. Upbringing, fears, and individual needs play significant roles in these decisions. Many young people now delay marriage or choose to remain single, which can be difficult for the parents to understand. The pressures on parents and children are immense, and it’s crucial to see the bigger picture and understand the individual’s inner world.
In the Punjabi community, there’s a bad habit of judging unmarried, separated and divorced individuals. Breakdown of relationships, rather than receiving sympathy, is often associated with shame and embarrassment. Nobody wants to see their family splitting up, but there are often good reasons why this happens, and the stigma associated with divorce needs to end.
The idea of finding a partner based on community expectations is outdated. Making one’s own choices is not selfish; it’s a necessity in today’s world where we are all expected to take responsibility for our actions. In my own life I have made my own choices and valued my independence. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t consulted others, but I have come to learn that making your own choices is essential for personal growth.
MARRIAGE & DIVORCE
Marrying later in life has its advantages, such as maturity and wisdom, but it also comes with challenges. We often have a list of needs and desires, but it’s important to understand that not every box will be ticked. For sure, upbringing, race/caste/class considerations add to these challenges, though there is a trend amongst young Sikhs to reject these, which sometimes can result in conflict with their parents’ wishes. It’s worth reminding ourselves that Guru Nanak taught us to reject all social divisions and prejudice, but hypocrisy remains strong within sections of our community.
In contrast to many others in their generation, my parents never emphasised caste or labels; they focused on values, such as success, independence, and care for others. I carried this forward with my children, believing in supporting making the right choices for themselves, rather than pleasing others.
Divorce rates are rising across all communities and the reasons are complex, but clearly, women’s empowerment is one factor. Leaving a violent or unhappy relationship has its own challenges. But divorce and separation can offer individuals the opportunity for personal growth and a chance to pursue a healthier, more fulfilling life. However, it often comes with significant emotional stress, financial burdens, and legal complexities. Furthermore, the process can be particularly challenging for children, potentially impacting their emotional stability and sense of security.
While family life remains key to the future of humanity, the diversity of families will continue to increase. New reproductive technologies are likely to see an increase in the trend of freezing eggs among women in their 30s and 40s reflecting their changing priorities. Panjabis must stop living in denial and learn to live with these emerging realities. Navigating these changes requires understanding, adaptability, and a willingness to embrace both tradition and modernity, but above all to face reality with courage and an open mind.
Manjit Kaur, a UK-based therapist and counsellor, is a presenter at the 1 Show Live at Panjab Broadcasting Channel, UK. She can be contacted via email at manjitkaur1show@gmail.com
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