For some silly reason, I’ve been biting my lip controlling myself from throwing a tantrum with a friend of mine. The physical manifestation of my anger from my pride being hurt was…well, hurtful. Uneasy words were exchanged over an argument about something that really should be inconsequential for the both of us. Clearly there was a popularity contest as well.
At my age, as a father of three girls of which two are very young teenagers, I find this behavior of mine quite immature. But only in the hindsight.
During the rage, I couldn’t see clearly and blaming someone else apart from myself was naturally easy. The anger only subsided after a couple of days, simmering underneath my skin and easily triggered by anything that reminds me of his behavior that caused this friction.
While being angry, I realized that the lack of harmony between myself and the rest around me was a distraction. And I hated it. I had allowed my emotions from my bruised ego affect me more and longer than before. When I remind myself that it’s over something so obscure, I feel worse.
As I look back, this was probably an emotion and reaction that I’ve experienced many a times all my life. And it frustrates me that I’ve never learned to recognize it, to avoid it, to never allow my ego to get bruised, to not go through this disharmony of me and myself.
Ideally, I shouldn’t even be having an ego to be bruised nor get affected by anything or anybody, always in high spirits, always in harmony. It frustrates me even more that I’m so very far away from achieving this state of nirvana. I’m no where being in the state of chardee kala.
We are created unique. Like snowflakes. Not even twins are the same. Our personalities are built since the day we were born, and our personalities evolve every single day as we grow physically, mentally and spiritually. At a single point, our evolving personalities interact with many personalities around us. Our families, our friends, our colleagues, our classmates, and so on. It’s guaranteed that some of these personalities clash with ours for multiple reasons. Barriers between two personalities cause friction, as both personalities evolve bit by bit.
You and I will have some misunderstanding or just mere disagreements that we cannot avoid because of how different our unique personalities are. As what happened to me and my friend. We cannot dispute this.
What’s in our control though is how we react to the clashes. We have a choice.
I know that I have an ego. I sort of know what my triggers are to go down the path of getting my ego hurt and slapped. It’s my choice to avoid those pitfalls. It’s my choice to tell myself that it’s not worth going through disharmony and not indulge in making the other person feel the hurt that I’m feeling. Because it shouldn’t really matter. What matters is harmony between me and those surrounding me, and harmony between me and myself.
If only I can learn to choose correctly when blinded by rage…
* This is the opinion of the writer, organisation or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of Asia Samachar.
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